Rocky does the U.S.

Star date: Around May, 1999. 3pm(ish)
Kingsford Smith Airport, Sydney.

So, here I am, having never traveled further than you could probably drive (except for Tasmania - you could drive there but you'd probably get very wet). I said goodbye to Greig on the other side of the magic gates and sat here with Trevor, nursing my head. Was it a good idea to spend the previous night at the Inquisition Party, dancing my tits off until about 8am before heading home to pack and drive out to the airport? Why was Trevor looking at me like that? I looked at my watch, realised that I never wear a watch, so looked at a clock on the wall. It's been about 30 hours since I've slept. Well, at least I'll sleep on the plane.

I slept on the plane.

Los Angeles

Rented a car in L.A. and cruised the strip. I kept on going around corners and ending up on the wrong side of the road. I guess I missed most of the scenery because I was too busy concentrating. "Keep to the right. Keep to the right. Keep to the right . . ."

Out of place on Rodeo Drive

Drove down lots of streets with names like "Sunset Boulevard" and "Melrose Drive". During the day time and they were very glamorous. Drove down the same streets at night and they were downright scary. "Are you sure all the doors are locked?" "I know the light is red, but I ain't stopping here for any reason!"

Explored West Hollywood. A few clubs and pubs. Checked out a sex venue (for educational purposes only). It was an education. These guys haven't heard of safe sex. There's certainly no chance of the place being littered with condoms all over the place. Hey guys! Wake up! There's an epidemic out there!!!

I was introduced to a local drink that they call "cawfee". It's a luke warm liquid that tastes somewhat similar to - well, nothing really. There's a chain called "Starbucks" that specialise in the stuff. The locals seem to enjoy it though. I'd kill for a coffee.

Went out and had a look at Universal Studios. This is sort of like Fox Studios here in Sydney, except there's actually something to see. Lots of history on the backlot tour. (In Sydney the history is, "This is where the Horse Stables once were" and "This is where the titles for Babe were first written on a napkin.")

I LOVED the "Back to the Future" ride. All the rides at Universal Studios are fabby, but Back to the Future just took my breath away in terms of technical excellence. The E.T. ride was soooooo cute but the dumb girl at the start of it just couldn't quite cope with my name being "Rocky". It kinda stuffed up the ride for everyone because the animatronic E.T. was supposed to say goodbye to each rider by name. He didn't know my name so I got the next riders name . . . and so on.

Disneyland!

It's a small world after-all. It's a small world after-all, It's a small world after-all. It's a small world after-all.

The attendants on this Disneyland ride probably all have permanent twitches. There seems to be a rule that all staff will smile at all times on threat of death. This place has some of the fakest, most painfully forced smiles that I have ever seen in my life. I couldn't help feeling sorry for these people.

I'm on the left.

They also sell cawfee here! I found a place with an espresso machine and tried to explain how it worked. They gave me a foam cup full of liquid that was almost coffee, only cold.

Lots of rides for the kiddies. Spinning tea-cup designed to make you throw up. Roller coasters that achieve speeds of up to 10mph. All sorts of lame stuff. But amongst it all there are some gems. Space mountain - a roller coaster in complete darkness except for a star field. At least you know which way is up. (I think). Shit hot. The Haunted Mansion. Really lame concepts, but technically very well done. Great use of restricted space. There are two types of people who would enjoy Disneyland - kiddies and engineers.

At least I got a photo with a duck.

New York

If you can make it here, you'll make it anywhere. Well, I made it to New York. I guess I'm set for life. I spent about a week in New York doing all the regular New York things. Stood in a queue for a few hours before being herded onto a boat and ferried out to Liberty Island. I think I know how the immigrants felt. The statue is, well, large. What else can you say? Large and green. Large and green with thousands of people climbing up the inside of her skirt.

I made it! Times Square!

At least I got to see the World Trade Center while it was still standing. A very impressive structure that dominated the New York Skyline. Actually, I don't think the city will be the same without it. Mind you, I wasn't going to pay the A$20 to take the lift to the observation level. The view from the Empire State Building allowed me to see New York from a central location. It's very depressing that such a huge structure and thousands of lives can be destroyed in one act of stupidity.

Caught up with a friend of mine. Young Rat who now lives in London was kind enough to fly over to New York and meet me there. We did a few of the gay venues. Walked into the legendary Stonewall bar where it all started and then walked out again. Had a look at another bar but it was suggested that we should leave unless we intended to buy more alcohol. And they say Australians are a strange mob!

We ended up at a leather club where we witnessed a couple of boys in speedos being wrapped up with cling wrap. Sheesh, what they do for entertainment over here! Wandered through a few more bars with names like the Spike and Eagle. Couldn't see a damn thing inside. Got asked if I wanted to buy some coke by a little man hiding in a shadowy doorway. I couldn't see how he was going to keep the cans cold, so I declined.

Yay! You can buy a decent coffee at the International Coffee House on 52nd Street, I think it was. Hot rich coffee with a nice deep crema. It's a wonder I left the place at all!

Saw a couple of shows in New York. Well, what else are you supposed to do there? Did the tourist things. Went up the Empire State Building. Traveled the underground. Explored Central Park. Found two beats in Central Park. I think we zigged when we should have zagged. Before we knew it we were in a section of the park where there were all these men wandering around looking at each other with hungry eyes. The last thing I want is trouble in New York, so I hi-tailed it outta there.

San Francisco

The Gay Mecca. Castro Street. Oxford Street here in Sydney is starting to look attractive. Yes, there is a huge gay presence in San Fran, but I couldn't detect any sense of community. Mind you, I can see Sydney heading down the same street. I didn't get a chance to check out any of the clubs though. There could well have been a great sub-culture that I missed entirely.

Never mind. I rode on a cable car, caught a ferry out to Alcatraz, sailed under the Golden Gate Bridge and explored the Exploratorium. San Francisco seems a lot like Sydney in many ways. The major difference is that it is bitterly cold and it has a public transport system that is functional. Granted that it probably isn't always bitterly cold there.

Clang, clang clang goes the trolley,
and so on, and so forth.

More cawfee to be found here. Some of the cafes on Castro Street have the idea, but it's still served cold. Why do you get it in a foam cup when you are sitting at a table and drinking it in? "Oh no sir, you have to ask for a real cup and saucer." I think I'm working it all out now.

I loved the wharf area. Very touristy, but lots to see and do. Explored the sights using "Tales of the City" as my guide book. I never did find Barbary Lane though. Perhaps I should have bought a map as well.

Viva Las Vegas!

What can I say? I just had to see Las Vegas and I wasn't disappointed. It is sooooooo tacky. I love it. Flashing lights, big hair, What's-his-name and Roy are still torturing that poor tiger. Eight dollar all-you-can-eat buffet meals. Scale models of every major city in the world (Sydney is the obvious exception).

A big machine for a big loser.

We stayed at Circus Circus. Room 7,335 I think it was. The place was huge. You need a map just to find the elevator. We did manage to find the all-you-can-eat buffet though. Lots of large Americans balancing up to 24 inches of food on a single plate and then eat a single olive from the top of the pile, leaving the rest while they go off in search of dessert. How do they stay so large when they seem to eat so little? If you are after a definition of excessive waste, this is it.

Every casino has it's own kiddy fair where the under 21's can learn the fundamentals of gambling in a emotionally safe but physically dangerous environment. That's where I spent my time. Riding the twisting roller coasters while groups of adults ran books on whether or not I was going to throw up. Mind you, these were the first real roller coasters that I had ridden in the States. All the rest were big screens and a lot of hydraulics.

I didn't even try the coffee in Vegas, but at the airport on the way out had some spare time. I invested it in explaining to the spotty kid with an espresso machine how real coffee is made. To his credit he did a pretty good job. Nice and hot with plenty of flavour. Unfortunately my flight was called and I had to leave the damn cup behind. On the flight they were proud to serve Starbucks cawfee. I was reduced to drinking tea.

The Grand Canyon

This is a big hole in the ground. There isn't a lot more to say really. It's a big hole in the ground surrounded by Japanese tourists eating pre-packaged sushi out of styrofoam containers. I didn't actually see a lot of the hole in the ground, I was too busy marvelling at the Japanese tourists taking in the American experience while eating pre-packaged sushi. At least I had a Hot Dog in New York!

No styrofoam sushi for me.

Oh, I flew out to the Grand Canyon on a day trip from Vegas. Flew over lots of very spectacular country but I was probably too high to notice. (That is, the plane was a long way off the ground, not that I had imbibed in too much Starbucks coffee substitute or other substances before taking off. I mean, what kind of boy do you think I am?) I couldn't help but to marvel at the turmoil that the kind people of the U.S. are going through with regards to the metric system. At one point the pre-recorded commentary in six different languages pointed out that the canyon was eight miles wide and up to forty-five kilometres long. Talk about mixing your metaphors!

Anyhoos, I walked along the top of the big hole in the ground and even wandered down a well worn path to a couple of interesting sites. I scraped the donkey poo off my boots and wandered back again. Then what happened? In the middle of some of the driest country around, in the middle of a holiday blessed with sunny blue skies - it rained. It didn't rain much. I just thought it was odd.

It's all over

Here's the trick. Go into a Starbucks. Order a hot (you have to stress the word hot) triple strength café latté. Request that they make it in a standard cup. That is actually not too bad as far as coffee goes.

Jumped on a plane at LAX after spending a night at an exquisite hotel around from the Viper Room. I was disappointed not to see any famous people throwing up in the car park or passed out on the street. Oh well, the view over the city was wonderful.

I managed to sleep for a bit on the way back, and was greeted at 6am by Greig at Mascot. We threw my bags into his car and drove straight to Newtown, found the first open café and sat down and drank my first real King Street coffee in three weeks. What better way to finish an overseas trip.